Hello if you are reading this, then I am already dead.
My name is St. Nicholas aka Santa Claus.
It is 2:34 am, and I am just west of the Mid-Atlantic Ridge.
The closest land is the island of Newfoundland in Canada, but alas a hurricane has swayed my sliegh and has killed Dancer, one of my lead reindeer.
Dasher is extremely intoxicated due to drinking a full bottle of Grey Goose vodka, in fact he may be dead.. He hasn't moved in like five minutes and his body is hanging on the reins.
I see no land in sight, all connections to elf headquarters have been disabled by the storm and I have to let all my feelings go into these last words on my lap top.
I was raised by elves as a boy because my mother abandoned me in the snow of a small German village. That's right, Santa's a dumpster baby! And even the elves never played with me. No, they were too busy making toys, so I had to make friends with the chipmunks and birds. But the chipmunks threw acorns at me, and the birds pecked at my eyes.
So, from brutal rejection I took comfort in food and became morbidly obese at age seven.
Gramma Elf always told me that I was fat and that I should go herd the local reindeer to get some exercise.
So I did, and I named all of the reindeer. They excepted me and soon I started to act as one of them, even running naked with them through the fields.
But of course Gramma Elf didn't understand and so she sent me to a mental institution.
I made some good friends in the institution, like Mickey.
Mickey was in the institution because he snuck into some one's house in the middle of the night by going down their chimney and stealing their socks while they were drying by the hearth, of course the hearth was lit and Mickey burned his feet. The irony of it was that Mickey couldn't wear socks ever again.
One night Mickey told me that he was going to go hunting once he got out of the institution. Hunting for reindeer.
So naturally I punched him in the mouth, it shattered his teeth, and Mickey never talked to me again.
One night I heard a tapping at the window, then I heard another tap.I went to the window and saw my favorite reindeer ChiChi flying outside.
Chi broke the window with her hoof and bent the bars with her antlers, and then we flew off together.
Later I asked her how she did it, and she told me that she had eaten magic corn, which I know is total bull****.
So now her and her brothers Shnitzel and Lenny could fly too, and I was free of the mental institution.
I lived with the reindeer and learned their ways, and soon ChiChi had children.
She had three babies who could also fly just like her. She had a daughter named Vixen, another daughter named Dancer and a son named Prancer.
Lenny and Shnitzel had the rest of the flying reindeer with their wives Kellie and Maya.
I trained the reindeer so that I could harness their ability to fly and rule the world. That would have been so bad ass!
But alas I went to a fat camp and met my wife Carol. Carol ended up losing 112 pounds. I didn't have as much success.
Carol convinced me that I should use my reindeer friends and toy making skills for good. So I built a sleigh and every Christmas Eve I would slide down the chimney and deliver gifts to deserving children.
I soon became weary and tired, Carol and I alone could not make and deliver to everybody in the world in one night by ourselves. So I had to go visit the elves.
It had been ten years since I had last seen the elves and I was very nervous.
When I got to the elves house I heard news that Gramma Elf had died seven months before. The elves agreed to help me after I threatened to feed them to polar bears.
I loved Carol very much and soon we had twin girls, Mykaela and Nicole.
We are near Ireland, and I just ran out of my last flask of whiskey. CRAP!
So anyways when Nicole and Mykaela were wbout thirteen I decided that Germany was not the ideal place to raise our kids (WW II) so we moved to Northern Greenland, right at the center of the North Pole.
About twelve years passed and soon I was very busy, and had no time for Carol or the girls.
I soon found out about an affair between Carol and my head elf Diddly. Carol and the girls went to stay with her sister in Sweden, and of course I fed Diddly to hungry polar bears.
I was in a deep depression and on Christmas Eve a storm broke out and I couldn't navigate so I went to Svalbard and asked a little reindeer to guide us. The reindeer's name was Adolph, of course they changed it in the song because of political reasons.
Adolph had been born in Hamburg, Germany but I had rescued him from experimentation that had been done on him by the Nazis.
But sadly his nose was always a bright glowing red.
So he guided my sleigh that night and then retired and moved to Boca.
Me and Carol made up and everything was back to normal.
Until now.
It's 3:15 am and it is getting very bad out here, the first six reindeer are dead! And there's only eight reindeer.
Okay I'm sending and.......Okay, um, posting to Facebook..... okay.
Oh Crap! Blitzen just shot himself with a gun!
I'm so startled!
AHHH!
Oh my God! a glacier!
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